Would I date me?
I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m ready for a serious relationship, but finding one has been far harder than I expected. I don’t meet many women in my day‑to‑day life, and the few I do meet rarely spark the kind of attraction I’m looking for. After years of trying (with little to show for it) I found myself wondering whether the issue wasn’t the dating world, but me.
I know I’m particular about the women I’m drawn to. Physical attraction matters to me, maybe more than it should. I’m not blind to the imbalance here: I’m an average‑looking guy with a taste for beautiful women. That combination doesn’t exactly stack the odds in my favor. And I’m not wealthy, which means I can’t rely on the “average guy with money” loophole that seems to work for some men.
So I asked myself: am I expecting something I can’t reasonably offer in return?
Turning to online dating
To widen my options, I turned to online dating. At first, it felt promising. I saw profile after profile describing qualities I believed I had: kindness, respect, attentiveness. But when I swiped right, nothing happened. Not a match, not a message. Just silence.
Eventually I learned about the “top 20%” dynamic on dating apps: a small group of highly attractive men receive most of the attention, while the rest of us compete for whatever remains. It was oddly comforting. My lack of success wasn’t entirely personal. It was statistical.
Still, I wanted to improve my odds. I’m a short guy with high standards, so I tried what I now call Plan B: lowering those standards. Instead of swiping only on women I found very attractive, I swiped on women I considered moderately attractive, assuming they were overlooked by the top‑tier men.
It didn’t work. Not even close.
That’s when I realized the flaw in my logic. I wasn’t the only man trying Plan B. Plenty of men swipe right on almost everyone, hoping something sticks. Even after lowering my standards, I was still competing with a massive pool of men casting wide nets.
So I abandoned Plan B. If I’m going to match with someone, it should be someone I’m genuinely drawn to. Attraction isn’t something I want to compromise on.
What the experience taught me
Through all this, I learned something important about myself: I’m not looking for perfection, but I am looking for connection. Two things matter to me above all else:
- I need to be physically attracted to her.
- Our conversations need to feel natural and mutual.
I love discussing ideas, debating, exploring thoughts. I don’t need a philosopher for a partner, but I do need someone who contributes to the conversation rather than waiting for me to carry it. I want ease, not effort.
And that led me back to the central question: if I were a woman on a dating app, would I choose someone like me?
Would I date me?
I’m not tall. I’m not conventionally handsome. I’m not wealthy. But I know what I offer: loyalty, affection, kindness, and genuine appreciation for the person I’m with. I’m not the type to take someone for granted or treat them as replaceable. I value deeply, and I love wholeheartedly.
If I were a woman, I think I’d see the appeal in that, as long as I found the guy at least somewhat attractive and felt room for that attraction to grow. I’d probably ask myself whether I wanted the hot guy whose attention I’d constantly have to compete for, or the average guy who would cherish me. I’d choose the latter.
But I also recognize that I might be projecting a man’s logic onto a woman’s experience.
The truth is, dating apps create a strange ecosystem where a small percentage of men receive most of the attention, and the rest of us become background noise. I sometimes wish more women would occasionally swipe right on someone outside that top tier–not out of pity, but out of openness. They might discover someone who would genuinely value them in a way the “top 20%” never will.
So, would I date me? Yes. I believe I would.
But that’s only half the equation. Dating is a two‑way street. It’s not enough to like someone; they have to like you back. And lately, I’ve been doing a lot of liking without much coming in return.